A Smaller Insult
“Are you sure you’re really supposed to be here?” a student’s mother asked our son at last night’s Back To School event at his high school. “You look like you belong in middle school,” she continued.
She was super-nice and chatty. Her intentions weren’t ugly or mean-spirited, but it can still hurt. She wasn’t the only one to point out his height. James heard similar comments from adults two more times just that evening.
Of course, I didn’t say anything to chubby, pimple-pocked or poorly-dressed students. And I certainly didn’t comment about anyone’s race, nationality, religious wear or cultural identifiers. That would be rude and inappropriate.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset with that mom. She just said what popped in her mind. That’s why we’ve strived to teach James that his value isn’t dependent on his size. Instead, we’ve consistently told him that he is so much more than his height and weight – he’s a smart, articulate young man who is kind to animals and respectful to teachers. He’s a thoughtful kid with a sensitive soul.
So, HOW small is our son?
Let’s put it this way. James is a 15-year-old taking driver’s ed, but he just reached the minimum weight and height to no longer ride in a booster in the back seat. Obviously, we haven’t been strapping him in like a third-grader, but it gives you a clue as to what he’s dealing with.
Later that evening, a tall kid passed our son in the hall and shouted, “Hey, James!” as they exchanged a bro shake. As he was walking away, my son said that was the student he’d told me about a few days earlier.
What made this boy different? When he and James were first seated next to each other in geometry, he asked James if he was one of those super-smart kids like Young Sheldon. Because the kid asked with true curiosity, James articulately gave him a quick overview of the medical reason for his stature. Now, these guys are in the early stages of a new friendship … despite the fact that they don’t have a lot in common.
What’s the take-away?
Bullying occurs for many reasons, but it IS possible to learn about our differences without hurting others. And it starts with us, as parents and adults. Neither of the situations described here upset my son, but he has felt the sting of hurtful gibes or thoughtless comments throughout his academic career – even from close friends and their parents. The same thing can be true for kids who are extremely tall, especially girls. Stature isn’t seen as a taboo trait to point out (as opposed to weight or race), yet people who don’t fit into society’s standard of the “right” height can be hurt by these consistent comparisons or comments.
It’s up to us. From the time our children are little, we need to teach them the power of their words, the importance of kindness and the beauty in diversity. What could be more lovely than that?